The spark

I acknowledge that I've had quite a hiatus from writing. For those who have missed it I'm sorry. It's an unfortunate side effect of being incredibly happy. The happier I am, the less I have to say. Oops. I'm currently worried about work and admitting that I don't have a diploma because I couldn't afford to buy it or pay the licensing board the fee to finish my degree in the first place. It feels good to write it. It's embarrassing but there it is.

I'm going to write more until I no longer feel like it, which is as close to a promise as I've ever made. Taking on the moon signs was ambitious, considering I've not even finished the redneck zodiac. Wrapping that up is my first project.

The Redneck Capricorn

oly balls guys, have y'all heard about the planet Saturn? Saturn is a hell of a planet. He's "Father Time" the crotchety old man informing you that somehow you are spoiled with all these modern gadgets as well as being miserably unfortunate to not have lived through the "good old days". There is a feeling of restriction and not being able to do exactly whatever you want but being free to get whatever it is you truly need.

There happen to be a surplus of Capricorn Rednecks in the world. Some are so backward they don't want their little women working after they get married or their children dancing to that renegade Billy Ray Cyrus.

The Redneck Pisces

Come with me now. Dig, if you will, the picture. You are walking through what used to be a Roses but has now turned into a permanent flea market. There are rough and shady characters admiring "authentic replica" samurai swords with Confederate flags on them. There are barefoot, sticky-handed children tearing up and down the labyrinthine aisles. You spy a middle-aged couple tenderly holding hands in front of a table. You sidle up next to them to see what is capturing their attention. These two dreamy-eyed lovers are admiring several dream-catchers with dyed blue and purple feathers and tie-dyed t-shirts with howling wolves and dolphins drifting through space.

You have found the lair of the Redneck Pisces. Obvious exits are West, South and an indoor hot-dog stand/sno cone machine. What will you do?

The flippin' moon, y'all.

Chances are, your first astronomical encounter was out in your back yard (if you were lucky enough to have one) gazing skyward at the moon. There are few things that I could look at so intently at that young age. Everybody has a moon sign that corresponds to where the moon was during the moment of your birth. At the particular moment I was born, the moon was ghost ridin' tha whip through the sign of Gemini.

I often notice that my emotions are sharply divided. There's a shade of me that almost is watching me like a fly on the wall, reading my reactions to people, analyzing the way I feel, putting a serial number on it and filing it away to process later. The me that is actually there, would have flounced away several sentences before, cheerfully moving onto an easier thing to deal with. I get myself worked up a bit emotionally and chances are before I've breathed a word about it to another soul I've already dismissed it as being petty and surely just my imagination. I deal with the real, painful, swollen red emotions all by myself. It's only the small stuff that I talk about over and over again, forgetting that I've already told the tale before. Fuckin' Moon in Gemini. They say that "Lunar Geminis" have a way with words. Hilariously enough, I was born with a birthmarks on each arm (Arms are naturally ruled by Gemini along with the hands and shoulders and lungs. There are two of each! See what they did there!?) that are arranged in such a way they look like the constellation Cassiopeia. Cassiopeia in Greek means "She whose words excel". When I put all that together I burst out laughing.

Now that I've told my story, I'll be getting on going through my personal interpretation of the Moon signs as well as recommending some decent places to get a free Natal Chart that one can make sense of.

A scream is a wish your heart makes!

It is a truth universally acknowledged that as a silly girl who loved Disney movies as a child must have had an absurd crush on a character. I'm an idealist with long eye-lashes who throws the word "love" around on the daily like the word "concerned" is thrown around a PTA meeting. Deal with it.

For those who follow their hearts and know that love conquers all, take a note from your childhood self. You may have been giving yourself a helpful hint about the sort of person you'd be looking for in the future. From one person who watched Pocahontas and wondered what was so wrong with Kocoum to another, enjoy your Disneyfied trip through the zodiac.

Double Trouble! Continued

I last left you, my little kittens with mittens was in the paws of Leo. I won't be doing that again anytime soon, I promise. We're going to continue along the zodiac with the next pair of signs and what chemical reactions happen when they're stuck in an elevator together.

You can bet your bonnet that two Virgos won't be livin' it up while they're goin' down. They'll be to busy worrying about whether they are late or not all the while wondering what Cherie Berry is really like.

It's hard out there for an Aries...

I've been an absolute neglectasaurus as far as this blog is concerned.

Naturally, I blame the current astrological forecast. Mars is in Taurus right now and if there was ever an astrological recipe for lazy, that would be it. Mix with egg and flour, bake for 14 minutes or until a toothpick comes out clean, dust lightly with confectioners sugar.

Last Saturday I had the fortune to get to see my Aquarian soul-sister after nearly a year. I was so ridiculously happy. It was better than Yule-mas. We had a blast and parted with big hugs and a vow to definitely do this again. (Which if you are a girl, you know usually doesn't mean anything but this time, it was earnest.) Each sign of the zodiac acts a certain way when they meet up with someone who is in the same sign as them.Some are harmonious, some butt heads in ways that the audience of America's Funniest Home Videos could only appreciate.

Below, I cover Aries through Leo with the rest of the soul sisters and soul brothers coming soon!

The Redneck Aquarius

At last y'all! We reach my own beloved Sun Sign. I love my people but I must admit that we are some freaks. Deliciously new agey, sassy folks whose thoughts dance like lightning across the clouds. We are forward-thinking, futuristic, and possess a superficial but over-all friendly love for all of humankind. (If you are an Aquarian who doesn't feel the love, check your chart Fussy Frances, 'cause you might have some Virgo or Capricorn placements with their hands on their hips, tapping their toe impatiently as they remind you that other people are terrible, love isn't real and the moon landing was faked.)

So where the hell does this fit into the buffalo plaid bathrobe of redneckery? Well, I'll tell you...

The facebook connection. For the lovers, the dreamers and me.

And now you!

Why are there so many facebook groups about rainbows and what's on the other side?

But for serious, this blog has a corresponding facebook group to alert you of posts and any other astrological hilarity or updates that I come across that I think are important enough to be shared!

It's called Unsolicited Astrological Opinions: The Blog!

Join now and be awesome!

The Redneck Sagittarius

Woooooo-whee! We're getting to the heart of kick-butt redneckery now!

The Sagittarian Redneck has more in common with an inner city gangsta than you would think. They travel in packs. They trust no one other than themselves. They smoke more marijuana than your Dad ever did. They carry guns (hidden without a conceal carry permit or just there on their trucks gun rack).

The Redneck Scorpio

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

How to succeed in dating a Capricorn without really trying

I must begin this edition of Unsolicited Astrological Opinions with a warning. I am extremely biased on this particular topic. I'm currently dating a sea-goat and he's the most fantastic man of all time. It takes a lot of my energy each day when someone says something kind about their significant other to not Kanye the absolute fuck out of them. I know full and well if I do talking to me would be a dreadful task, so I don't. Ta dah! Problem solved.

Anyhow, I've revealed one of the biggest secrets of dating a Capricorn male. In the title. For the benefit of everyone, don't EVER chase someone who was born under a Cardinal sign. Aries, Cancer, Libra and Capricorn. If you do you will ruin their fun. Even the sweetie-pie Cancer still has a deep driven desire to impress you, hypnotize you with their personality and draw you towards them (as opposed to chasing you). Please don't ruin someone's good time 'cause then the both of you are gonna have a bad time.

Just don't do it. K?

The Libran Redneck

The Libran Redneck

What first inspired me to start explaining astrological characteristics in the average country citizen was spotting a red pick-up truck. This beauty was a pleasant red Ford, a model from the early to mid 90s. The paint was perfect, not a speck of rust anywhere and on the back window an assortment of stickers. On this trapezoid-shaped window, there were two "FEAR THIS!" stickers one on each side towards the top. There were two small confederate flag stickers, about seven inches below the "FEAR THIS!" stickers. In the middle of this configuration was a large confederate flag sticker. Use your imaginations and it would look something like this.

Welcome! I hope you're doing well. I look forward to sharing my opinions about all 12 of the beautiful astrological signs that the sun passes through. 13 signs if you take recent findings into account. I've known about the 13th sign for years, I call it Fuckattarius.

I look forward to filling the internet with more mess than it can handle and educating all you fine people on all the things many brilliant, and worthwhile Astrological texts fail to mention that you may find handy in real life. Things like:

• How to identify a Libran Redneck
• Why dating a Capricorn is the shit
• How come that Pisces dude keeps looking at me like he's going to eat me. (Hint, Mars in Scorpio is a hell of a placement).

Y'all get excited, 'cause here we go!