It is a truth universally acknowledged that as a silly girl who loved Disney movies as a child must have had an absurd crush on a character. I'm an idealist with long eye-lashes who throws the word "love" around on the daily like the word "concerned" is thrown around a PTA meeting. Deal with it.
For those who follow their hearts and know that love conquers all, take a note from your childhood self. You may have been giving yourself a helpful hint about the sort of person you'd be looking for in the future. From one person who watched Pocahontas and wondered what was so wrong with Kocoum to another, enjoy your Disneyfied trip through the zodiac.
As a child you fancied Gaston (Oh...you bad!) or Jasmine: Oh no! One's "good" and one's "evil"! Whatever shall you do? Any way you might choose to slice it, my cash/money is on both of these characters being Aries. Gaston does not give one single fuck. He's a manly man and does everything in his power to get his way. His character is just a bit of an arrogant jerk in the beginning (like pretty much everybody everywhere honestly). Gaston doesn't lose his shit until he gets publicly humiliated in front of everybody he knows. For the Aries, that's pretty realistic. Jasmine, while smart/pretty/blah is clearly an Aries as well. She has a remarkably selfish and naive personality. She wants with all her heart to pursue her own interests and help others when she can. Remember when she saw those little poor children in the street? Her heart went out to them and by trying to help them she was nearly killed? Classic Aries. They are headstrong and fling themselves forward with arms and hearts open towards whatever may come. Just like you like it.
Honorable mentions: The Queen of Hearts, Merriweather, Thomas O'Malley
As a child you fancied Prince Eric or Cinderella: Taurus! Who doesn't love 'em. Prince Eric? He's just a dude, he likes good food, he likes pretty ladies (whether or not they talk, he doesn't really seem to care) and playing with his Dog. He's a dude, man. That's Taurus. Cinderella busted her ass with nobody but the mice to rant to but when it all came together and it was her moment to shine, she was stunning. Taurus girls and guys are just good-looking. Also, Homegirl has one of the only sexy-ass Disney songs. "So this is love?" is sultry and beautiful.I didn't throw him in there, but you probably thought Baloo the bear was pretty chill too.
Honorable mentions:Baloo, Little John, Duchess
As a child you fancied Aladdin or Mary Poppins: Nice. I might be too late to warn you but you might be into Geminis. Charming, quick-witted people who often have a way of telling you exactly what you want to hear or not hear in the most interesting and disarming way possible. Aladdin had to live by his wits so you'd bet your bonnet they were quick. He was a kind, goofy guy at heart but he dreamed that money would fix all his problems. Unfortunately for him Biggie wasn't around to correct him but it turned out alright in the end. Mary Poppins has got the twin-thing going on majorly. She's two different people in one person and she's so interesting that you'll probably do whatever she suggests because you know it'll be more fun than the crap you usually come up with.
Honorable Mention: Tramp, Phoebus, Pollyanna
As a child you fancied Scar (eek!) or Nani Pelekai (do you even know who I'm talking about?): You like the Cancerians. People who are filled to the brim with emotions. People whose tough shells are impossible to crack. People who will cut a bitch in the name of security (actual physical safety, financial security, or if you make a complicated order). Scar felt cheated by fate and was unhappy with his place in the world, so he carved out a new one. Nani busted her ass to keep her family together in the midst of an adorable alien invasion. She was a substitute mother for her sister Lilo, which is a role that many Cancers find themselves in. Cancers end up desperately searching for a mother or being one in some way.
Honorable mention: Evil step-mothers, Aurora, Fauna, King Triton.
As a child you fancied John Smith or Belle: Did I throw you off with the Belle? Good. John Smith is obvious. He's a brave character who makes it his life to condescend. Leos are naturally gifted at the sort of thing it takes royalty years of practicing to accomplish. They are masters of the delicate art of condescension in such a way that seems like true courtesy. It never is, really. Bless Belle's little heart but I seriously doubt that when she talks about fitting in that "provincial" town that she's actually tried to fit in. Maybe she could try actually talking to all the characters she carelessly dances by instead of just saying "Hello!"s and "How are you?"'s that she really doesn't mean. F'real though. Leos can be really sweet fun people who love to take someone's out-there idea and turn it into something glorious. They will always think the are better than you, though. Sorry.
Honorable Mention: Mufasa, Simba, other crazy-ass lions
As a child you fancied Roger Radcliffe or Wendy Darling: You like 'em overall cautious but quite creative. Virgos can be real sweeties. Roger Radcliffe, jazz musician, man who likes to know when his tea-time is and looks good in a sweater-vest. Grrr, baby, grrr! Only a Virgo would write a song making fun of your old "school chum". Dear Wendy longed for adventure and ended up being kidnapped be a Mother. She actually rather liked it, until she felt her own real life slipping from her. Virgos like to be on solid ground, they can't stay up in the clouds even though they might find it fun. Their precise nature won't let them feel comfortable there for long.
Honorable Mention: Li Shang, Milo, Mad Madame Mimm
As a child you fancied Lumiere or Snow White: That candelabra is a charming motherfucker, for real. Even as an animate object he continues his romance with the maid/feather duster. That's dedication. Librans love romance as much as they hate to be alone. Snow white would rather be down with some B&E than being alone. (Them trees is scary!) We have two idealists here who are full of fun ideas. "Of course she's the one to break the spell!" "Someday my Prince will come!" Those two know how to party. Diplomatic to the core, they want the best for everybody and they are pretty sure they know what that "best" is.
Honorable mention: Nameless Prince in Snow White, Bashful, Grandmother Fa
As a child you fancied Beast (forget that lame-ass Prince Adam or whatever) or Pocahontas: Chances are, you are probably into Scorpios nowadays. You like people who are deep enough to dive in. Beast gains control over his animal nature to become himself again. Pocahontas as a character seeks a greater understanding of the world around her. She would rather have someone to truly share her life with instead of someone to push her into a role she's not totally comfortable with. Scorpios are leaders with their actions as well as words. They would rather be alone than to suffer through a relationship that's half-assed.
Honorable mention: Chesire Cat, Tiana, Captain Hook, Claude Frollo
As a child you fancied Peter Pan or Megara: It didn't take long in the chronicles of your love life to drift towards the Sagittarius-type. Peter Pan is happy with his rambling adventure-filled life. If there was any male who would look scornfully at their mate saying, "You can't catch me and make me a man!" it would be the Sag. Megara is a cynical sort of girl. Nobody can fall flat on their face emotionally like a Sag. They are the clowns of the zodiac. You like 'em smart, funny and likely to have a few bruises from when they tripped on the curb while watching a rainbow. You probably thought the centaurs in Fantasia were chill as hell.
Honorable Mention: Thomas, the centaurs in Fantasia, Dopey, Doc, Mulan, That Darn Cat
As a child you fancied Kocoum or the Blue Fairy: The Capricorns of the Disney zodiac. Characters who are good people who don't put up with any shit. Pocahontas! What, what, what are you doing? Are you really going to diss a handsome sturdy husband who builds handsome sturdy walls and for what? Syphilis? For fuck's sake Pocahontas. The Blue Fairy is amazing. She's a lovely, caring woman who gives someone the chance to fail spectacularly who may have never had the chance otherwise. Cap to the core.
Honorable mention: Jiminy Cricket, King Stephan, Bambi's father, Maid Marian
As a child you fancied Kevin Flynn or Ariel: Heck to the yes Kevin Flynn (as played by St. Jeff Bridges) is a computer whiz and a bit of an ass. Classic male Aquarius if you ask me. So hot. Excuse me while I fan myself and embroider Tron-related tea-towels for my hope chest. Ariel is a sweetheart of a girl but she's incredibly misguided and makes bad decisions with a smile on her face and it somehow turns out just fine in the end. Classic Aquarius. They know a lot and seem to pick up information out of the air but boy can their curiosity get them into trouble.
Honorable mention: Mrs. Potts, Flora, Belle's Father, Mowgli, Friar Tuck
As a child you fancied Arthur/Wart or Alice: Dreamy Pisces. Precise details give them a miss every time but if someone was going to get lost in a dream world or bullshit squirrel world they would do the better than anybody dealing with it. These people have a strong understanding of the people around them. Very good things for a future king and future desperate housewife circa 1870. Their dreamy nature is less of an escape and more of a place of renewal. I think it's a good thing.
Honorable Mention: Hookah-smoking caterpillar, Oliver, Grandmother Willow
That's all y'all.
For those who follow their hearts and know that love conquers all, take a note from your childhood self. You may have been giving yourself a helpful hint about the sort of person you'd be looking for in the future. From one person who watched Pocahontas and wondered what was so wrong with Kocoum to another, enjoy your Disneyfied trip through the zodiac.
As a child you fancied Gaston (Oh...you bad!) or Jasmine: Oh no! One's "good" and one's "evil"! Whatever shall you do? Any way you might choose to slice it, my cash/money is on both of these characters being Aries. Gaston does not give one single fuck. He's a manly man and does everything in his power to get his way. His character is just a bit of an arrogant jerk in the beginning (like pretty much everybody everywhere honestly). Gaston doesn't lose his shit until he gets publicly humiliated in front of everybody he knows. For the Aries, that's pretty realistic. Jasmine, while smart/pretty/blah is clearly an Aries as well. She has a remarkably selfish and naive personality. She wants with all her heart to pursue her own interests and help others when she can. Remember when she saw those little poor children in the street? Her heart went out to them and by trying to help them she was nearly killed? Classic Aries. They are headstrong and fling themselves forward with arms and hearts open towards whatever may come. Just like you like it.
Honorable mentions: The Queen of Hearts, Merriweather, Thomas O'Malley
As a child you fancied Prince Eric or Cinderella: Taurus! Who doesn't love 'em. Prince Eric? He's just a dude, he likes good food, he likes pretty ladies (whether or not they talk, he doesn't really seem to care) and playing with his Dog. He's a dude, man. That's Taurus. Cinderella busted her ass with nobody but the mice to rant to but when it all came together and it was her moment to shine, she was stunning. Taurus girls and guys are just good-looking. Also, Homegirl has one of the only sexy-ass Disney songs. "So this is love?" is sultry and beautiful.I didn't throw him in there, but you probably thought Baloo the bear was pretty chill too.
Honorable mentions:Baloo, Little John, Duchess
As a child you fancied Aladdin or Mary Poppins: Nice. I might be too late to warn you but you might be into Geminis. Charming, quick-witted people who often have a way of telling you exactly what you want to hear or not hear in the most interesting and disarming way possible. Aladdin had to live by his wits so you'd bet your bonnet they were quick. He was a kind, goofy guy at heart but he dreamed that money would fix all his problems. Unfortunately for him Biggie wasn't around to correct him but it turned out alright in the end. Mary Poppins has got the twin-thing going on majorly. She's two different people in one person and she's so interesting that you'll probably do whatever she suggests because you know it'll be more fun than the crap you usually come up with.
Honorable Mention: Tramp, Phoebus, Pollyanna
As a child you fancied Scar (eek!) or Nani Pelekai (do you even know who I'm talking about?): You like the Cancerians. People who are filled to the brim with emotions. People whose tough shells are impossible to crack. People who will cut a bitch in the name of security (actual physical safety, financial security, or if you make a complicated order). Scar felt cheated by fate and was unhappy with his place in the world, so he carved out a new one. Nani busted her ass to keep her family together in the midst of an adorable alien invasion. She was a substitute mother for her sister Lilo, which is a role that many Cancers find themselves in. Cancers end up desperately searching for a mother or being one in some way.
Honorable mention: Evil step-mothers, Aurora, Fauna, King Triton.
As a child you fancied John Smith or Belle: Did I throw you off with the Belle? Good. John Smith is obvious. He's a brave character who makes it his life to condescend. Leos are naturally gifted at the sort of thing it takes royalty years of practicing to accomplish. They are masters of the delicate art of condescension in such a way that seems like true courtesy. It never is, really. Bless Belle's little heart but I seriously doubt that when she talks about fitting in that "provincial" town that she's actually tried to fit in. Maybe she could try actually talking to all the characters she carelessly dances by instead of just saying "Hello!"s and "How are you?"'s that she really doesn't mean. F'real though. Leos can be really sweet fun people who love to take someone's out-there idea and turn it into something glorious. They will always think the are better than you, though. Sorry.
Honorable Mention: Mufasa, Simba, other crazy-ass lions
As a child you fancied Roger Radcliffe or Wendy Darling: You like 'em overall cautious but quite creative. Virgos can be real sweeties. Roger Radcliffe, jazz musician, man who likes to know when his tea-time is and looks good in a sweater-vest. Grrr, baby, grrr! Only a Virgo would write a song making fun of your old "school chum". Dear Wendy longed for adventure and ended up being kidnapped be a Mother. She actually rather liked it, until she felt her own real life slipping from her. Virgos like to be on solid ground, they can't stay up in the clouds even though they might find it fun. Their precise nature won't let them feel comfortable there for long.
Honorable Mention: Li Shang, Milo, Mad Madame Mimm
As a child you fancied Lumiere or Snow White: That candelabra is a charming motherfucker, for real. Even as an animate object he continues his romance with the maid/feather duster. That's dedication. Librans love romance as much as they hate to be alone. Snow white would rather be down with some B&E than being alone. (Them trees is scary!) We have two idealists here who are full of fun ideas. "Of course she's the one to break the spell!" "Someday my Prince will come!" Those two know how to party. Diplomatic to the core, they want the best for everybody and they are pretty sure they know what that "best" is.
Honorable mention: Nameless Prince in Snow White, Bashful, Grandmother Fa
As a child you fancied Beast (forget that lame-ass Prince Adam or whatever) or Pocahontas: Chances are, you are probably into Scorpios nowadays. You like people who are deep enough to dive in. Beast gains control over his animal nature to become himself again. Pocahontas as a character seeks a greater understanding of the world around her. She would rather have someone to truly share her life with instead of someone to push her into a role she's not totally comfortable with. Scorpios are leaders with their actions as well as words. They would rather be alone than to suffer through a relationship that's half-assed.
Honorable mention: Chesire Cat, Tiana, Captain Hook, Claude Frollo
As a child you fancied Peter Pan or Megara: It didn't take long in the chronicles of your love life to drift towards the Sagittarius-type. Peter Pan is happy with his rambling adventure-filled life. If there was any male who would look scornfully at their mate saying, "You can't catch me and make me a man!" it would be the Sag. Megara is a cynical sort of girl. Nobody can fall flat on their face emotionally like a Sag. They are the clowns of the zodiac. You like 'em smart, funny and likely to have a few bruises from when they tripped on the curb while watching a rainbow. You probably thought the centaurs in Fantasia were chill as hell.
Honorable Mention: Thomas, the centaurs in Fantasia, Dopey, Doc, Mulan, That Darn Cat
As a child you fancied Kocoum or the Blue Fairy: The Capricorns of the Disney zodiac. Characters who are good people who don't put up with any shit. Pocahontas! What, what, what are you doing? Are you really going to diss a handsome sturdy husband who builds handsome sturdy walls and for what? Syphilis? For fuck's sake Pocahontas. The Blue Fairy is amazing. She's a lovely, caring woman who gives someone the chance to fail spectacularly who may have never had the chance otherwise. Cap to the core.
Honorable mention: Jiminy Cricket, King Stephan, Bambi's father, Maid Marian
As a child you fancied Kevin Flynn or Ariel: Heck to the yes Kevin Flynn (as played by St. Jeff Bridges) is a computer whiz and a bit of an ass. Classic male Aquarius if you ask me. So hot. Excuse me while I fan myself and embroider Tron-related tea-towels for my hope chest. Ariel is a sweetheart of a girl but she's incredibly misguided and makes bad decisions with a smile on her face and it somehow turns out just fine in the end. Classic Aquarius. They know a lot and seem to pick up information out of the air but boy can their curiosity get them into trouble.
Honorable mention: Mrs. Potts, Flora, Belle's Father, Mowgli, Friar Tuck
As a child you fancied Arthur/Wart or Alice: Dreamy Pisces. Precise details give them a miss every time but if someone was going to get lost in a dream world or bullshit squirrel world they would do the better than anybody dealing with it. These people have a strong understanding of the people around them. Very good things for a future king and future desperate housewife circa 1870. Their dreamy nature is less of an escape and more of a place of renewal. I think it's a good thing.
Honorable Mention: Hookah-smoking caterpillar, Oliver, Grandmother Willow
That's all y'all.
I am having a time trying to figure out which way I'd lean. I'm not quite at the point where I'll take what I can get, but I have not come across a zodiac dude buffet.
ReplyDeleteCan we start a dude buffet?
Of course we can start a dude buffet. Crazy dude buffet or non-crazy dude buffet?
ReplyDeleteI think it's best to provide for both options so we can appeal to a wider audience. Also. I work at a bar. Perfect place for a dude buffet.
ReplyDelete