Saturday, May 21, 2011

The Redneck Aquarius

At last y'all! We reach my own beloved Sun Sign. I love my people but I must admit that we are some freaks. Deliciously new agey, sassy folks whose thoughts dance like lightning across the clouds. We are forward-thinking, futuristic, and possess a superficial but over-all friendly love for all of humankind. (If you are an Aquarian who doesn't feel the love, check your chart Fussy Frances, 'cause you might have some Virgo or Capricorn placements with their hands on their hips, tapping their toe impatiently as they remind you that other people are terrible, love isn't real and the moon landing was faked.)

So where the hell does this fit into the buffalo plaid bathrobe of redneckery? Well, I'll tell you...


 Words like "innovation" don't really come to mind when you think of a country gentleman. The Aquarian Redneck is hard wired to think that no matter how good the instructions are, how trustworthy the instructor is that they can find a better way to do it. This leads to mind-bogglingly crazy looking, rigged-up weirdness around the house. Tell 'em to fix something and they'll fix it alright. It'll work just fine if you hit the button, hold it down for three seconds as you slowly turn the device clock-wise.

Does it surprise you at all that the man who broke modern country music wide open and introduced the craft to millions is an Aquarius? And does it surprise you that that same man decided to take a wild stab in the dark and create an alt-rock persona for himself and release an album. *cough* Garth Brooks *cough*

Does it surprise you that the a hard-working woman whose songs are about the crashing and burning of idealistic love is an Aquarian? Does it suprise you that this same Grammy-winning artist happily provided vocals for an episode of Squidbillies? Me neither. Long live Lucinda Williams!

These Uranus-ruled  souls must do it all a little bit different than anyone else or they feel like they've half-assed it. I've felt that way before and it's borderline soul-crushing. The energy just has nowhere to go and if that energy is internalized it just leads to more and more alienating weirdness (as opposed to regular weirdness). It's a bad cycle that can push an Aquarian further and further away from reality. The Redneck Aquarius probably has their share of conspiracy theories. If they tell you that they've been abducted and probed you'd almost believe them because they seem so far-out. To keep them connected to reality, they need people around them. They don't even have to be close, just acquaintances that they don't hate to keep at arms length. Aquarians need that space to love someone and love they do (in a very hands-off, "Oh hi! I didn't see you there," sort of way).

The that arms-length Aquarian love translates for a  fondness and respect for the neighbors. A Redneck Aquarius without a big front porch to fit all their friends on is a sad person indeed. They will be friendly, but definitely odd. Even a totally normal-seeming Aquarian Redneck will still have a quirk or two.They will wear a watch with the time permanently stuck at 1:37 so they will always remember when they heard about Princess Diana's death. They might prefer to arrange their albums autobiographically instead of alphabetically then have a fit like a tornado if you mess up their order. They won't stay mad long, it's not their thing.

Another caste of the Aquarian Redneck is the long hairs. The type of people who blended hippie and redneck together because when the 60s happened they were somewhere in between New York and California. Tough as nails, nastier than their Mama would ever want to know about, possibly riding a motorcycle. They want to be both part of a community (or gang, as it were) yet still be set apart from them. This is not them trying to win prestige or be the leader. They just want to be set apart and recognized for their genius.  Even if the Aquarian in question is as dumb as a brick they will have moments when it's as if they reached into the future to answer your question before you even opened your mouth to ask it. You'll be like, "Damn," and they will look up at you with some chew hangin' out of their mouth, having no idea what you are talking about.

Just because I adore her and listening to her music makes me feel like I'm having a conversation with a soul sister here's one of my favorite songs by Lucinda Williams off her album Car Wheels on a Gravel Road. (One of two albums that I've actually re-bought when it broke. The other one was Bringing Down The Horse by the Wallflowers.)





And for good measure, the anthem of the long-haired redneck by the big, the bad the inexplicably Virgo David Allan Coe.




Awwww yes.




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