Quick 'n' Dirty Holiday Gift Guide

Shopping season is upon us and it's time to start picking out that special gift for your loved ones. Some people are just flat out easy to shop for. You take them to a place just to "look around" they they just go straight to whatever they're interested in, pick it up and tell you about it. Mental notes are taken, and you're practically done. Some people are really hard to shop for. For whatever reason, you just don't know what the hell they want and a gift card just seems so impersonal. Here's a guide to gift-giving for each sign. Hell, I'll even break it down by price range.

Let's hit it!

The Redneck Capricorn

oly balls guys, have y'all heard about the planet Saturn? Saturn is a hell of a planet. He's "Father Time" the crotchety old man informing you that somehow you are spoiled with all these modern gadgets as well as being miserably unfortunate to not have lived through the "good old days". There is a feeling of restriction and not being able to do exactly whatever you want but being free to get whatever it is you truly need.

There happen to be a surplus of Capricorn Rednecks in the world. Some are so backward they don't want their little women working after they get married or their children dancing to that renegade Billy Ray Cyrus.

Double Trouble! Continued

I last left you, my little kittens with mittens was in the paws of Leo. I won't be doing that again anytime soon, I promise. We're going to continue along the zodiac with the next pair of signs and what chemical reactions happen when they're stuck in an elevator together.

You can bet your bonnet that two Virgos won't be livin' it up while they're goin' down. They'll be to busy worrying about whether they are late or not all the while wondering what Cherie Berry is really like.

How to succeed in dating a Capricorn without really trying

I must begin this edition of Unsolicited Astrological Opinions with a warning. I am extremely biased on this particular topic. I'm currently dating a sea-goat and he's the most fantastic man of all time. It takes a lot of my energy each day when someone says something kind about their significant other to not Kanye the absolute fuck out of them. I know full and well if I do talking to me would be a dreadful task, so I don't. Ta dah! Problem solved.

Anyhow, I've revealed one of the biggest secrets of dating a Capricorn male. In the title. For the benefit of everyone, don't EVER chase someone who was born under a Cardinal sign. Aries, Cancer, Libra and Capricorn. If you do you will ruin their fun. Even the sweetie-pie Cancer still has a deep driven desire to impress you, hypnotize you with their personality and draw you towards them (as opposed to chasing you). Please don't ruin someone's good time 'cause then the both of you are gonna have a bad time.

Just don't do it. K?