Quick 'n' Dirty Holiday Gift Guide

Shopping season is upon us and it's time to start picking out that special gift for your loved ones. Some people are just flat out easy to shop for. You take them to a place just to "look around" they they just go straight to whatever they're interested in, pick it up and tell you about it. Mental notes are taken, and you're practically done. Some people are really hard to shop for. For whatever reason, you just don't know what the hell they want and a gift card just seems so impersonal. Here's a guide to gift-giving for each sign. Hell, I'll even break it down by price range.

Let's hit it!

Aries
They will probably be so excited to open it that they won't really care much what it is.

Cheap: Airplane bottle of Jagermeister and a novelty Elvis popcorn tin.

Mid: Brand new axe with their name carved in the handle and a steak.

Posh: Keys to their shiny, new Australia and the opportunity to re-enact this music video:

Taurus
They already have a bunch of stuff so if you get them something make it beautiful.

Cheap: Airplane bottle of Grand Marnier and a box of chocolate.

Mid: A sweater so fuzzy that it looks blurry with a matching hat.

Posh: A golden chaise lounge where they can be lazy while you feed them fresh grapes.

Gemini

Make it something fun and light-hearted. No antique lockets or delicate things that have to be taken care of.

Cheap: Airplane bottle of any sort of vodka and a bouncy ball.

Mid: Tickets to something interesting and more vodka.

Posh: Actual ninja lessons and a jet pack. (Possibly even more vodka.)

Cancer
Something home made or from the heart is best here.

Cheap: Airplane bottle of moonshine or homemade hooch and a ring pop.

Mid: Make them a lovely meal from scratch then pick up a new movie and snacks for a whole "night in" thing.

Posh: A week long stay in one of those underwater hotel rooms you see on Pinterest and a hug that NEVER ENDS.

Leo

Give them the royal treatment at any price by listening to them all year then remembering something super special that they mentioned only once in March.

Cheap: Airplane bottle of crown royal and burger king crown.

Mid: Piece of jewelry that proves that you love them and then play with their hair.

Posh: Fabergé egg and hire a professional genealogy consultant to prove that they are related to royalty somewhere.

Virgo

Give them something practical and cute. 

Cheap: Airplane bottle of Tanqueray and a stapler shaped like something that isn't a stapler.

Mid: Crazy cute organizational doo-dads from Modcloth or Ikea or something and a plant/flowers.

Posh: Hire them a personal assistant for life and bring back Michael Jackson from the dead to dance for them.

Libra

Get them something crazy beautiful and practical.

Cheap: Airplane bottle of rum and christmas socks.

Mid: Framed print with a tastefully colored mat and a new watch.

Posh: A library like the one in the Beauty and the Beast, enough money to quit their job so they can just stay there.

Scorpio
Get them something sexy, historical or cryptic. Or all three!

Cheap: Airplane bottle shaped like a skull and a box of condoms.

Mid: Tour of the oldest graveyard in town and a whiskey tasting.

Posh: Literally buy them Dracula's castle and them help them decorate it.

Sagittarius

Get them something only a smart ass could love.

Cheap: Airplane bottle of Fireball and a slap across the face.

Mid: A pack of foot-long hot dogs and a t-shirt with some bullshit on it.

Posh: Find the right person and pay them enough to let you get away with breaking into whatever Hollywood lot that contains the fountain from the beginning of Friends. Dance in it naked with them. Take pictures then blow them up poster size.

Capricorn

Get them something something so minimalist it would make Philip Glass cream and something so practical it would make Ron Swanson cry.

Cheap: Airplane bottle of Jose Cuervo and an empty picture frame.

Mid: Whatever game they won't shut up about and socks if theirs look worn out.

Posh: One of those murder mystery parties on a train except they own the train and with real murder. Immediately follow with a 5 gallon bucket of banana pudding.

Aquarius

Get them something completely fuckin' nuts. They will love it.

Cheap: Airplane bottle of Wild Turkey and some stickers you stole from a doctor's office.

Mid: Miss Frizzle inspired dresses or earrings and a bizarre book that nobody else would ever read.

Posh: Take them on a tour of the worlds greatest thrift shops and give them an palace made of ice where they can store their beautiful finds.

Pisces

Get them something that inspires them. 

Cheap: Airplane bottle of whipped cream vodka and a bag of kale.

Mid: Go on a road trip but plan everything so they don't have to and let them choose the music.

Posh: Build a beautiful koi pond and garden at their house when they're away at work. Hire a wise old man to take care of it for them and give them advice occasionally.

Happy Holidays!