It's been an age. I went back to school, finished my degree in Special Education, scored the job of my dreams, scored the apartment my dreams and then broke up with the Capricorn that pretty much changed my mind about Capricorns. I am simultaneously the best and the worst.
I plan to continue and finish the Redneck Zodiac series. I've met a lot more in the past few years so I have a plethora of material to work with.
I did my first personal consultation last night for free (I'm really not good enough to charge anything, but my co-worker got a lot out of it and I was greeted with the highest of fives when I ran into him today.) I may consider branching towards that in the future but for now my sassy opinions are for free.
Let's get right to it!
Break-up Astrology! What to expect when you break up with them or when they break up with you!
Aries
How they break up with you:
Once an Aries has had it, they have had it. If you're not with them, you're against them and your ass is gone. They won't be unnecessarily cruel. That is, unless you fight back. If you try to turn it around on them you will be blasted with some of the most vicious conversation you have ever heard. They are reacting like a wounded animal backed into a corner. They will come out fighting and say whatever it takes to remove you or themselves from the situation at hand so they can go and lick their wounds privately.
How they react to someone breaking up with them: So you're dropped the bomb on your Aries. Nice one, you heartless bastard. You would think that their reaction would be reminiscent of a tornado breaking up with a trailer but that's not so. Aries people are far more sensitive than they would ever let on. They represent the beginning of life and are more disappointed and sad than anything to see that attachment dissolve. At first. Then they will proceed to blame everything on you and all the good times you had together will morph into bitter memories. An Aries with a softer rising sign may eventually turn that around once again and the memories will change back to what they were before. I wouldn't be surprised if they called you again, years later just to see what you're up to.
Taurus
How they break up with you: Actually, you might not even notice. They do not like conflict or discomfort. It may be the smoothest breakup of your life...unless y'all are living together. I am so sorry. If you have any shared stuff they will be as stubborn as their sun sign's glyph. They don't care, not a single fuck will be given. They would sooner see you destroyed than give up something they care about. They once cared about you too, you know. They could have fallen out of love with you for any reason (Chances are, in some way for them, you're too much work. Sorry not sorry.) but if you refuse to drift on your way, they will resent the shit out of you.
How they react to someone breaking up with them: On one hand, relieved. Taureans are sensitive people, with so much to give. Chances are they'll see it coming. Despite being slow moving (physically, emotionally and so forth) they are not oblivious. Just because they haven't reacted yet doesn't mean they haven't already perceived something like this coming. When a Taurus is passionate about something they are hard workers. If they care about you, they will be very reluctant to give that up. Knowing that they let you down will hurt them in ways that could take some time to heal. They probably won't move on right away, unless they're an asshole. In that case, good for you for breaking up with them! They need to know their actions have consequences.
Gemini
How they break up with you: First, are you sure y'all were actually in a relationship? Geminis don't settle into exclusivity for just anyone. Just saying. Before you get your panties in a bunch, double check to make sure. If you're okay with not being the one and only, and you enjoy your Gemini, get back on that horse! Treat yourself!
Wait... y'all were living together/married/bought a puppy or something? I am so sorry. Please report to your nearest Cancer for some cuddles.
How they react to someone breaking up with them: They will go over the goddamned top to make sure that you know that you didn't hurt them one bit. They're totally fine, better even without you. They will throw themselves into anything and at anyone to prove that they do not miss you at all. It's a lie. For the first week anyway. If you run into them more than a month later, you may have to re-introduce yourself. They move fast and a break-up is just another bump in the road.
Cancer
How they break up with you: They don't. They're way more likely to emotionally manipulate you into breaking up with them. If one actually does break up with you, prepare to be hurt. They didn't spend all that time getting to know your deepest darkest secrets for nothing. They have a tough emotional shell to guard all their raw, squishy pink feelings but you may not be so lucky.
How they react to someone breaking up with them: It could go one of two ways. They may flippantly pretend that their ex never mattered and brutally cut them off all the while talking mild to moderate trash about them forever. They may legitimately have their hearts broken, cornering strangers at bus stops to regale them about all the feelings they are still trying to process. They will almost enjoy wallowing in the pain of it all. Once they heal and move on, they will be fine.
Leo
How they break up with you: You should feel lucky that they even condescended to be with you at all. It's been a beautiful relationship, but now the sun has set. Don't you feel special that they chose you? Even for a fleeting moment? Hahaha! Unless you want to start a fight, you had best go ahead and agree with these sentiments. Honestly, being the President of their fan club has some delightful benefits. You probably won't admit it to anyone but your therapist, but you'll kind of miss them.
How they react to someone breaking up with them: First of all, how dare you. One does not simply break up with a Leo. If you did it in public, you are a monster. Public image is everything and to even suggest that they are undesirable in front of even their cat, is unthinkable. They will never embarrass themselves by trying to get you back. Even if you had the decency to break up with them privately, they'll still act superior and act like it was their idea. That's their concept of "the high road". Just go with it.
Virgo
How they break up with you: They look at you from across the room, then they look away and sigh. It's not that they aren't direct, they just don't want to come to terms with the fact that they failed. Whatever spark they saw in you, that made them trust you, simply wasn't worth the trouble. They tried their hardest to make you a better person but it just didn't work. At least not in their eyes. They had such high hopes for you. Now it's just best that you leave. Back to the drawing board. Unfortunately, being right is more satisfying than being loved.
How they react to someone breaking up with them: I am so sorry. Breaking up with a Virgo just makes you feel awful. They are genuine, decent people typically and it's tough to hurt someone no matter how you slice it. You will not miss all the things that drove you crazy. Once you split up, they will go right back to the way they were before. You however, may not even realize how much they changed you while you were together until they're gone. Most of it was an improvement. Chances are, you were pretty sorry until that Virgo got a hold of you. (Sorry about it.) They will remain their bright, complex selves. They'll miss you but they have a strong sense of self and have cultivated a remarkable group of friends to keep them sane. They're Earthy, despite their hatred of dirt. They'll heal with time.
Libra
How they break up with you: You may not know that anything is wrong with your relationship until they are actually there in front of you, holding your hands in theirs, saying the actual words, "It's over." Chances are you'll be like, "WTF?" Things seemed just fine mere seconds ago. What just happened? Libra is an air sign and though they are warm, romantic and easy to be around their minds are always whirring. Not quite like their air sisters Gemini and Aquarius, but still significant enough to mention. They have been thinking about this constantly and turning it over and over, smiling all the while. They love love and will not break up with someone with undue cause. That being said, WTF did you DO?
How they react to someone breaking up with them: This. Literally.
Scorpio
How they break up with you: Did you start something you couldn't finish? 'cause it looks like you did. If they're immature they will break up with you most cruelly. You can't say that they don't care about your feelings here, but only because they spent so long finding out what makes you tick just so they could break you apart from the inside. Scorpios are passionate, mysterious folks. When they leave you for good, it'll be like climbing into an air-conditioned car after being outside in 99% humidity in a Baton Rouge summer. Scorpios are incredibly intense, but they're really amazing people. If you crave that intensity, you're going to miss it and feel almost empty without them for a while. If you don't, you may feel like you're finally able to breathe.
How they react to someone breaking up with them:
Unless you absolutely have to. It's best to do it early if possible. Work hard to figure out if y'all actually get along because Scorpios don't like to waste their time. It's just polite, people.There are some signs that just don't like to mess around and Scorpio is one of them. If you do catch them when they're in the mood for something less serious, only proceed if you match their desires. Don't try to play games with their heart, because they are WAY better at it than you. You will lose so hard. I'll laugh at you.
Sagittarius
How they break up with you: Much like Gemini, relationships with Sagittarius beg the question: Are you sure you are actually dating them exclusively? They tend to play the field, in every position. They can't break up with you if you aren't actually dating them. They will say something stupid but really funny. Funny to them mainly (and probably me Sag. rising for the win!) you may think otherwise. Let's say you actually bagged one and they acknowledge that they're in a relationship with you. They may not think too much of breaking up with you. It might be for any reason but chances are they feel a bit caged, or you don't have enough in common to really hook them good. They're all about fun and when the lightheartedness disappears, they go right with it.
How they react to someone breaking up with them: They don't give a fuck. That's what they say but they can get really broken up and self-destructive. Post-relationship mayhem has definitely dragged many a Sagittarius down to some pretty murky depths. If they care, they will stop at nothing to wipe away those feelings with any number of bad/sketchy/horrifying habits. They will pass quickly and be back to their happy, bouncy selves though. If they're lucky.
Capricorn
How they break up with you: Without passion or even a bit of anger. They will present the facts, they will not try to convince you to change or to stay. You will almost wish that they would get angry with you. It makes you feel 10" tall to be shut down so completely. That's precisely what they're going for. If you passed the initial "tests" they often perform to check that you are a decent person, they will feel stupid for missing the signs that you were unworthy. The last feeling they will tolerate is feeling inferior. If you're the cause, the only solution is to remove you from the equation.
How they react to someone breaking up with them: If you want to see someone who is exhausted in every possible way, look at a Capricorn who has just had their heart broken. They work so hard and it's not easy for them to open up to someone. It takes a constant effort on their part to not just connect with people to meet their needs and really get to know someone well. When that's over, they feel guilty for feeling so relieved. They shouldn't though.
Aquarius
How they break up with you: Even the kindest Aquarius finds emotions to be a stilted second language. They do not mean to hurt you but hurt you, they will. With eyes full of stars they will tell you they no longer want you. You will see them within days, living their lives, gleefully stripped of you. It will be like you were never there. They'll remember you in small ways. Prepare to be infuriated when they actually tell you that they still want to be friends. Friendship with an Aquarian is not a consolation prize to them. Even if they never see you again, they'll still count you as a friend and think positive thoughts about you.
How they react to someone breaking up with them: It won't bother them too much to be honest. They won't unfriend you or your Mom on facebook. Their reaction is very similar to the above paragraph about when they break up with you. They remain annoyingly cheerful and positive. Their life will go on as usual. If you broke up with them rudely, they'll be more upset about your behavior than about the actual break up.
Pisces
How they break up with you: A Pisces would change their names, phone number and move to another country before they would break up with you. It's not that they don't want to. They would rather just sort of disappear from your life than break up all at once. It's just not how they operate.
How they react to someone breaking up with them: Sad, sad, sad. What is wrong with me? Why am I such a fuck-up? Will anyone ever love me? Am I to die alone in my bed? Once they take a breath, they will be fine. It's a natural Pisces state to just float (some are a little more particular about where they are floating, some aren't). They will return to stasis eventually and feel much better about life. They absolutely need to opportunity to wallow and then something to encourage them to move along.
Everyone. You'll be fine. We're all assholes occasionally and we all deserve love. Until next time, save a horse, ride an Aries.
I plan to continue and finish the Redneck Zodiac series. I've met a lot more in the past few years so I have a plethora of material to work with.
I did my first personal consultation last night for free (I'm really not good enough to charge anything, but my co-worker got a lot out of it and I was greeted with the highest of fives when I ran into him today.) I may consider branching towards that in the future but for now my sassy opinions are for free.
Let's get right to it!
Break-up Astrology! What to expect when you break up with them or when they break up with you!
Aries
How they break up with you:
 |
| Completely accurate footage of an Aries who just broke up with someone. |
How they react to someone breaking up with them: So you're dropped the bomb on your Aries. Nice one, you heartless bastard. You would think that their reaction would be reminiscent of a tornado breaking up with a trailer but that's not so. Aries people are far more sensitive than they would ever let on. They represent the beginning of life and are more disappointed and sad than anything to see that attachment dissolve. At first. Then they will proceed to blame everything on you and all the good times you had together will morph into bitter memories. An Aries with a softer rising sign may eventually turn that around once again and the memories will change back to what they were before. I wouldn't be surprised if they called you again, years later just to see what you're up to.
Taurus
 |
| Adorable. |
How they break up with you: Actually, you might not even notice. They do not like conflict or discomfort. It may be the smoothest breakup of your life...unless y'all are living together. I am so sorry. If you have any shared stuff they will be as stubborn as their sun sign's glyph. They don't care, not a single fuck will be given. They would sooner see you destroyed than give up something they care about. They once cared about you too, you know. They could have fallen out of love with you for any reason (Chances are, in some way for them, you're too much work. Sorry not sorry.) but if you refuse to drift on your way, they will resent the shit out of you.
How they react to someone breaking up with them: On one hand, relieved. Taureans are sensitive people, with so much to give. Chances are they'll see it coming. Despite being slow moving (physically, emotionally and so forth) they are not oblivious. Just because they haven't reacted yet doesn't mean they haven't already perceived something like this coming. When a Taurus is passionate about something they are hard workers. If they care about you, they will be very reluctant to give that up. Knowing that they let you down will hurt them in ways that could take some time to heal. They probably won't move on right away, unless they're an asshole. In that case, good for you for breaking up with them! They need to know their actions have consequences.
Gemini
 | |
| Hangin' tough! |
How they break up with you: First, are you sure y'all were actually in a relationship? Geminis don't settle into exclusivity for just anyone. Just saying. Before you get your panties in a bunch, double check to make sure. If you're okay with not being the one and only, and you enjoy your Gemini, get back on that horse! Treat yourself!
Wait... y'all were living together/married/bought a puppy or something? I am so sorry. Please report to your nearest Cancer for some cuddles.
How they react to someone breaking up with them: They will go over the goddamned top to make sure that you know that you didn't hurt them one bit. They're totally fine, better even without you. They will throw themselves into anything and at anyone to prove that they do not miss you at all. It's a lie. For the first week anyway. If you run into them more than a month later, you may have to re-introduce yourself. They move fast and a break-up is just another bump in the road.
Cancer
 |
| Never mind, they'll find someone like you or at least their Mom. |
How they break up with you: They don't. They're way more likely to emotionally manipulate you into breaking up with them. If one actually does break up with you, prepare to be hurt. They didn't spend all that time getting to know your deepest darkest secrets for nothing. They have a tough emotional shell to guard all their raw, squishy pink feelings but you may not be so lucky.
How they react to someone breaking up with them: It could go one of two ways. They may flippantly pretend that their ex never mattered and brutally cut them off all the while talking mild to moderate trash about them forever. They may legitimately have their hearts broken, cornering strangers at bus stops to regale them about all the feelings they are still trying to process. They will almost enjoy wallowing in the pain of it all. Once they heal and move on, they will be fine.
Leo
 |
| WTF is even wrong with you? |
How they break up with you: You should feel lucky that they even condescended to be with you at all. It's been a beautiful relationship, but now the sun has set. Don't you feel special that they chose you? Even for a fleeting moment? Hahaha! Unless you want to start a fight, you had best go ahead and agree with these sentiments. Honestly, being the President of their fan club has some delightful benefits. You probably won't admit it to anyone but your therapist, but you'll kind of miss them.
How they react to someone breaking up with them: First of all, how dare you. One does not simply break up with a Leo. If you did it in public, you are a monster. Public image is everything and to even suggest that they are undesirable in front of even their cat, is unthinkable. They will never embarrass themselves by trying to get you back. Even if you had the decency to break up with them privately, they'll still act superior and act like it was their idea. That's their concept of "the high road". Just go with it.
Virgo
 |
| Portrait of a Virgo |
How they break up with you: They look at you from across the room, then they look away and sigh. It's not that they aren't direct, they just don't want to come to terms with the fact that they failed. Whatever spark they saw in you, that made them trust you, simply wasn't worth the trouble. They tried their hardest to make you a better person but it just didn't work. At least not in their eyes. They had such high hopes for you. Now it's just best that you leave. Back to the drawing board. Unfortunately, being right is more satisfying than being loved.
How they react to someone breaking up with them: I am so sorry. Breaking up with a Virgo just makes you feel awful. They are genuine, decent people typically and it's tough to hurt someone no matter how you slice it. You will not miss all the things that drove you crazy. Once you split up, they will go right back to the way they were before. You however, may not even realize how much they changed you while you were together until they're gone. Most of it was an improvement. Chances are, you were pretty sorry until that Virgo got a hold of you. (Sorry about it.) They will remain their bright, complex selves. They'll miss you but they have a strong sense of self and have cultivated a remarkable group of friends to keep them sane. They're Earthy, despite their hatred of dirt. They'll heal with time.
Libra
How they break up with you: You may not know that anything is wrong with your relationship until they are actually there in front of you, holding your hands in theirs, saying the actual words, "It's over." Chances are you'll be like, "WTF?" Things seemed just fine mere seconds ago. What just happened? Libra is an air sign and though they are warm, romantic and easy to be around their minds are always whirring. Not quite like their air sisters Gemini and Aquarius, but still significant enough to mention. They have been thinking about this constantly and turning it over and over, smiling all the while. They love love and will not break up with someone with undue cause. That being said, WTF did you DO?
How they react to someone breaking up with them: This. Literally.
Scorpio
 |
| OH NO YOU BETTA DON'T |
How they break up with you: Did you start something you couldn't finish? 'cause it looks like you did. If they're immature they will break up with you most cruelly. You can't say that they don't care about your feelings here, but only because they spent so long finding out what makes you tick just so they could break you apart from the inside. Scorpios are passionate, mysterious folks. When they leave you for good, it'll be like climbing into an air-conditioned car after being outside in 99% humidity in a Baton Rouge summer. Scorpios are incredibly intense, but they're really amazing people. If you crave that intensity, you're going to miss it and feel almost empty without them for a while. If you don't, you may feel like you're finally able to breathe.
How they react to someone breaking up with them:
Sagittarius
 |
| Kegasus returns! |
How they break up with you: Much like Gemini, relationships with Sagittarius beg the question: Are you sure you are actually dating them exclusively? They tend to play the field, in every position. They can't break up with you if you aren't actually dating them. They will say something stupid but really funny. Funny to them mainly (and probably me Sag. rising for the win!) you may think otherwise. Let's say you actually bagged one and they acknowledge that they're in a relationship with you. They may not think too much of breaking up with you. It might be for any reason but chances are they feel a bit caged, or you don't have enough in common to really hook them good. They're all about fun and when the lightheartedness disappears, they go right with it.
How they react to someone breaking up with them: They don't give a fuck. That's what they say but they can get really broken up and self-destructive. Post-relationship mayhem has definitely dragged many a Sagittarius down to some pretty murky depths. If they care, they will stop at nothing to wipe away those feelings with any number of bad/sketchy/horrifying habits. They will pass quickly and be back to their happy, bouncy selves though. If they're lucky.
Capricorn
 |
| I can! Why can't you!? |
How they break up with you: Without passion or even a bit of anger. They will present the facts, they will not try to convince you to change or to stay. You will almost wish that they would get angry with you. It makes you feel 10" tall to be shut down so completely. That's precisely what they're going for. If you passed the initial "tests" they often perform to check that you are a decent person, they will feel stupid for missing the signs that you were unworthy. The last feeling they will tolerate is feeling inferior. If you're the cause, the only solution is to remove you from the equation.
How they react to someone breaking up with them: If you want to see someone who is exhausted in every possible way, look at a Capricorn who has just had their heart broken. They work so hard and it's not easy for them to open up to someone. It takes a constant effort on their part to not just connect with people to meet their needs and really get to know someone well. When that's over, they feel guilty for feeling so relieved. They shouldn't though.
Aquarius
 |
| Painfully accurate. |
How they break up with you: Even the kindest Aquarius finds emotions to be a stilted second language. They do not mean to hurt you but hurt you, they will. With eyes full of stars they will tell you they no longer want you. You will see them within days, living their lives, gleefully stripped of you. It will be like you were never there. They'll remember you in small ways. Prepare to be infuriated when they actually tell you that they still want to be friends. Friendship with an Aquarian is not a consolation prize to them. Even if they never see you again, they'll still count you as a friend and think positive thoughts about you.
How they react to someone breaking up with them: It won't bother them too much to be honest. They won't unfriend you or your Mom on facebook. Their reaction is very similar to the above paragraph about when they break up with you. They remain annoyingly cheerful and positive. Their life will go on as usual. If you broke up with them rudely, they'll be more upset about your behavior than about the actual break up.
Pisces
 |
| A legitimate option for a Pisces. |
How they break up with you: A Pisces would change their names, phone number and move to another country before they would break up with you. It's not that they don't want to. They would rather just sort of disappear from your life than break up all at once. It's just not how they operate.
How they react to someone breaking up with them: Sad, sad, sad. What is wrong with me? Why am I such a fuck-up? Will anyone ever love me? Am I to die alone in my bed? Once they take a breath, they will be fine. It's a natural Pisces state to just float (some are a little more particular about where they are floating, some aren't). They will return to stasis eventually and feel much better about life. They absolutely need to opportunity to wallow and then something to encourage them to move along.
Everyone. You'll be fine. We're all assholes occasionally and we all deserve love. Until next time, save a horse, ride an Aries.
No comments:
Post a Comment